One Fights. One Freezes. Neither Is a Character Flaw.

Last week I told you a story that was a little embarrassing.

I led my team through three major changes, back to back, without asking whether anyone could absorb them. When they resisted, I pushed harder. My urgency was running the room, and my team wasn’t resisting the changes. They were responding to me.

Since that article went out, I’ve heard from leaders who saw themselves in it. But here’s what struck me. They saw themselves in two very different ways.

Two Patterns, One Root

Some of you are the pusher. You feel the pressure rising and you speed up. You take on more, you tighten your grip, you answer emails at midnight, and you wonder why your team keeps getting quieter.

Others of you are the opposite. When the pressure rises, you go quiet. You defer to the loudest voice in the room. You wait for consensus that never comes. You know what needs to be said, and you don’t say it.

These look like opposite problems. They’re not.

They are two versions of the same thing: a nervous system doing exactly what it learned to do under threat. One fights. One freezes. Neither is a character flaw. Both are biology.

And here’s the part that is relevant to your team. They can feel it either way. An anxious leader floods the room. A passive leader leaves a vacuum in it. Both create the conditions where people stop bringing you the truth.

Go Deeper: The Change Chronicle Podcast

I got to go deeper on all of this recently as a guest on The Change Chronicle podcast. Sara Junio and I talked about why resistance to change is a biological response and not an attitude problem, and about the difference between capability and capacity. Most leaders don’t lack the skills. They lack the internal resources to use those skills when pressure rises.

We also got practical about how to lead your own emotions before you lead anyone else’s. How relational safety changes what stress does to a room. How to fuel your brain when the change you’re leading has no finish line.

You can listen here: Harnessing Neuroscience for Change Leadership

Which Pattern Is Running You?

If you want to know which pattern is running you, start here. The next time pressure rises this week, don’t try to fix anything. Just notice. Do you speed up or go still? Do you grab the wheel or hand it to someone else?

That noticing is not a small thing. It’s the first step of the root work.

And if you want a clearer picture of what your nervous system is doing under pressure, my free nervous system audit will show you. It takes a few minutes and most leaders tell me it names something they’ve felt for years but couldn’t articulate.

If the audit surfaces something you want to talk through, reach out. I read every message.